Sahaj Durnin Interviews Mandy Walker
June 6, 2017
Transition is a tricky game. It can leave you feeling scattered like a leaf blown through the skies in the wind, or fragile like a newborn baby. It can leave you feeling sad, having to let go of the things you once knew, or free, feeling like the burdens of the past no longer weigh heavy on your shoulders. Sometimes transition can leave us feeling a little ‘unglued’ so to speak, so we keep ourselves overly busy so that we don’t have to slow down and feel those sometimes terrifying things called emotions…
Have you ever seen this happen with anyone you know? Your girlfriend is freaked out by a bad breakup. Immediately afterwords, she goes out and buys a new wardrobe, or a big trip, or immerses herself in other activities that make her very busy. Perhaps she dove into her kids lives, or a new hobby, or a new group or sport. None of these things in themselves are inherently negative, in fact they can be extremely supportive if they are used with awareness.
If they are mere reactions to the breakup, and distractions from the ensuing emotions, then they may not be that helpful. Or perhaps they may give temporary relief which helps to move through a certain painful segment, and in that relaxation, emotions can more fully emerge. In the end it is all okay, sooner or later we will have to come back to our body and emotions.
If we do not allow the emotions to emerge, they can sometimes re-emerge and bite us in the butt. We all have them, so it’s really a human thing, and an art, to being able to allow them to move through us without overtaking us completely, nor denying them. Sometimes they will overtake us for a time, and that is okay too.
Some signs of pent-up emotions:
- Unusually tight muscles (relative to your usual self)
- Irritability
- Anger
- Blahness (not feeling much of anything)
- Overeating
- Overdrinking
- Working out too much
- Sitting on the couch forever
- Binge TV watching
- Indulging in any addictive behaviours repeatedly
- Pretending that everything is fine when you know it’s not
- Fantasizing about things you feel you cannot have
What to do if you suspect that you are holding your emotions back?
- Dance like no one is watching and allow yourself to ‘go a little crazy’ on the dance floor
- Go for tea with a trusted friend and allow yourself to blab about how you feel
- Go to a yoga class and allow yourself to really sink into your body
- Meditate every evening before bed and allow yourself to express and feel anything that comes up
- Go on retreat with other women in transition
- Take a vacation with a trusted friend who you can be yourself with
- See a therapist
- Scream into a pillow
- Tell your story to a anyone, and keep telling it until it no longer has power over you
What happens when your emotions really begin to let loose?
Many women feel like if they allow their emotions to go unchecked, that they will really lose it and will not be able to stop (screaming, crying, you name it). Yet, if you allow them to flow, they will stop. It may take some time, but they will stop. Trust me, I know.
I was 32 and had just signed up for a set of kundalini yoga classes. I was in the midst of a breakup with someone I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. Every class ended with me lying there in a pile of tears. It was a devastating time, and completely embarrassing to have strangers see me like this. But it happened, and I moved on. I doubt if anyone other than the teacher even noticed.
It is completely normal for us to have any range of emotions as we’re going through big transitions in our lives. The question is not so much then, will I have emotions or how to deal with my emotions, it’s more to make peace with them. They are an integral part of us, and a part that we must allow ourselves to experience if we want to move on in our lives.
Beyond your emotions…
I remember saying to a trusted mentor one time ‘I am finally in balance, now all I need to do is to stay this way.’ Hahahaha. Good one.
It doesn’t work that way. Being alive means feeling those sometimes painful emotions. Falling in love, opening up to others, having human contact of any sort will leave you vulnerable to your emotions. That one simple reminder that you too are a human being, fallible, imperfectly perfect.
Is the flip side worth living? An existence where you feel some things, sometimes, but not all things, and where you love a little, but not fully.
The Prophet sums it up perfectly in his chapter on Love, as follows:
“But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the season-less world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.”
